I had been living in my apartment a little over a year before I met him. My city is known for being a “bad” area and I’m not really a social person, plus people in my area are usually hesitant to befriend white people (rightfully so), so long story short, I never met this guy until about this past August, despite him living across the street. I was on the sidewalk infront of my house smoking a cigarette when he walked by and started talking to me. I’m really nice to strangers if they make the first move. He took me to the store and bought more alcohol (I didn’t realize at the time, but he didn’t buy any for himself) and invited me to his apartment to watch a movie. I said no at first just because I didn’t feel totally comfortable going into a stranger’s house. I told him if we hang out on the sidewalk tonight, maybe I’ll come over another day. After drinking more I was convinced to come up into his room. He put the movie on the tv, but didn’t watch a minute of it. We smoked a blunt and he had his pants off before I knew it. He was rubbing the inside of my thigh and kissing my neck, despite the hesitation I was showing from the beginning and flat out saying “no.” “I have a boyfriend.” “I want to go home.” “please stop.” It was weird at first, but turned scary when he was physically in between me and the door. He finally backed off after I started screaming (we both live in heavily populated apartment buildings). I ran home, went to bed, and cried.

So in my mind this guy is a shithead and I don’t want anything to do with him. The part where I start feeling really shitty is the idea that I still play along when I see him on the street and he gives me a hug and does that “guy handshake” with my boyfriend. And the part where I still hit him up when I’m looking for oxy’s and percs. I hate him for not only giving me a terrifying experience but giving me a terrifying experience that brought me back in my mind to the absolute worst time in my life where I actually did get raped. But I fucking hate myself for humoring him and giving him a smile and a 20 dollar bill while he gives me that gross look up and down and some fucking drugs and we pretend like nothing bad happened at all. That’s the kind of grip the drugs have on me. I love them more than I hate the guy who just barely failed at raping me.

My body weight/body fat% is something I can control. It takes more effort than I’m sometimes willing to put into it, but my goal of being happy with my body can and will be accomplished, without question.

Drugs are another story. I’m 20 and for at least the past 8 years I’ve been struggling with drug and alcohol abuse. That’s longer than I’ve had weight issues, and honestly I’m a little under 150lbs, steadily decreasing, and I don’t look half bad. My weights not a HUGE issue. I’ve had a drug problem for much longer and it’s something I have yet to overcome for any period of time. As much as I love a huge plate of pasta with garlic and oil and second and third servings, I can fucking do without it. The thought of never having a cigarette or a beer or a joint ever again is ridiculous in my mind.

Addicts are addicts. My best friend is a 48 year old crack addict. I’ve never done crack or coke and I don’t plan on it but I don’t judge her for it. Even people who “recover” are still addicts, and that’s even something alcoholics anonymous will tell you. You can only transfer your addiction to something else. It’s a bleak existence if you choose to look at it that way. I have mixed feelings on the subject.

I just came back from the corner store a block away, at 20 years old, and purchased a beer, 3 loosies, a dub, and a Percocet. But I can’t exactly blame the city I live in. Wherever I go, I’ll still be me. I’ll find the people I need to find to get what I want. I’ll flirt my way into purchasing alcohol underage. I’ll bug my drug dealer until he calls the guy who can get me painkillers, no matter what time of night it is. I’ll find the store that sells loosies, and then probably make small talk with them about the protests in Yemen. I’ll continue to surround myself with people my age who like to rebel and party and don’t realize how big of a problem I have.

I don’t know how I feel about it. I know that this is who I am and I don’t know if willpower can save me. And with some of the shit I’ve been through and struggle with, I don’t think I truly want to face reality, at least not yet. I’d much rather drown everything out. The problem is that in the process, I’m pushing away people who care about me and would have better lives if I was sober. It’s a hard decision but I’m not entirely convinced its actually a decision at all.

I would like to be less fat than I am now. I’m not really that big, but I’m not where I want to be. There is nothing wrong with being big, it’s just not what I want to look like. It’s difficult to say that I want to lose weight without it sounding like being fat is a bad thing. I just want to make it clear that that’s not the message I’m trying to get across. If you’re happy with your body, thats great. Being skinny doesn’t automatically equal attractive and being fat doesn’t automatically equal unattractive. And being attractive doesn’t really mean much anyway besides that you look nice in somebody’s opinion. I do not give a shit at all how much you or anybody else weighs or how much fat is on your body. There are countless amounts of people who look absolutely beautiful while being above society’s ideal weight; it just so happens that I do not carry weight very well, especially on my face, and I think I’d look better with less fat and so I am going to lose weight and that is all.

Suck.

No matter what you believe in.

In the end, abortions are going to happen whether it’s legal or not, and keeping them legal keeps them regulated which keeps them safe which saves lives. End of story.

I’m not going to point out that you don’t have a right to tell a woman what she should do with her body, or that substantially more women die in pregnancy/childbirth related complications than abortion related complications, or that all babies should be wanted, or that having a baby could mess up a woman’s plans for the future (which could involve having a baby one day when she’s ready), or that the bible clearly states that a fetus is not a human being (if you wish to use the bible as a frame of reference), or anything else that can be found more well written in a simple google search.

What I will point out is that even if you disagree with all of these things, the facts prove that legal abortion=safe abortion=less woman die from shitty back-alley procedures. Abortion will happen whether you like it or not. Let’s help the living breathing established human lives and ensure that they have access to safe medical procedures. That sounds good to me.

armyrose:

loverockfamily:

….this makes me a mix of being sick and angry all in one. I want to punch the women who find this acceptable.

This is why this shit is so fucked up. Don’t even try to come at me with this one. You will never change my position. When will the world realize that babies, no matter what age of development, are people too? God damn it.

I don’t like my food choices today. I wish I did it differently. Now I’m trying to get myself to do a Pilates video and ignore the beer and cigarette feeling I’m getting

In regards to abortion, I’ve actually heard men say this. To be clear, not men who actually had gotten someone pregnant, but men who were trying to prove a point to me for shits and giggles, because I’m a red-headed man-hating bitch machine. Well guys, I will tell you why your statement is complete bullshit, and I will do it with a smile. Here we go.

Let’s say you really really wanted to have a baby. You are pumped and ready for this baby to come. Your dream house is on baby avenue. How dare they say they want to have an abortion? She doesn’t want a baby? But I really really want a baby! I helped make that fetus, don’t I get a say in what happens to it?

No. You don’t.

Let me tell you a little secret. I have a uterus. When I get pregnant, that fetus is chillin in THIS uterus. That’s what my part of the job is. You do the injecting, I do the carrying.

If you wanted a baby THAT badly and you have a penis and it’s accompanying reproductive organs, you have the ability to utilize that equipment all up in any person who has a coochie and consent. You could have 5 kids with 5 different women. But if I have 5 kids, they are all poppin out of ME. And I do not want that at this particular juncture. So if you are that passionate of having a baby, you can do it with somebody fucking else because it’s my body and I don’t have that fucking leisure, and I sure as hell don’t have one ounce of sympathy for anyone who uses that argument.

The above statement is something I hear pretty often, and I’d just like to say that if you feel this way about abortion, I ask that you read this post and kindly reconsider your position.

So usually when people are against abortion, it’s because they believe that life begins at conception. And while I strongly disagree, I know that pretty much nobody likes murder, so if you thought abortion was murder, of course you wouldn’t like it.

But consider this.

If a fetus really is a sacred living soul that has rights and is loved by god and all that good stuff, WHY does it matter to you how it was made? If its THAT precious, what different does it make if the woman was raped or if she was running through the streets screaming “let’s make a baby!!”?

Because if a woman enjoyed having sex, she should be punished. That’s the bottom line. That’s what you mean when you say “abortion is only ok in the case of rape”. If she was raped, she didn’t enjoy it, therefore she is not required to suffer through 9 months of pain, vomiting, constipation, and countless other health problems including many which are potentially life-threatening. And you know what, fuck that. I can’t stand anti-choicers, but if youre going to have a problem with the sexual desires many people/women experience, at least be honest about your hatred for women, don’t pretend like you actually care about their wellbeing.

And while I’m here, let me note I don’t only mean people who identify as women but all who are able to get pregnant, woman or not, and I’m sorry I didn’t include this earlier.